Friday, January 21, 2011

Daddy's Girl

  I'm a total Daddy's girl.  He is the person I talk to most on the phone.  He's someone who I'm always excited to see and spend time with.  And, he really is my biggest fan.  I've known so many girls who have daddy issues.  Everyone knows these girls.  They are the women who have to receive attention from men to compensate for their fathers not showing them any.  It doesn't matter what kind of attention, but they seem to figure out how to get it.

I might be the opposite of those girls.  I have a great relationship with my father.  He's made a ton of sacrifices for me over the years.  He was always there for all of my sporting events and important moments in my life.  He's given me money, clothes, a car, a college education, and a beautiful wedding.  Basically anything I wanted or need, it was provided for me.  This didn't mean I didn't know how to work.  My dad had me out on the farm helping him every summer morning at 7 am.  He taught me how to drive everything from a lawn mower to a combine.  I know how to change my oil and fix a flat tire.  I worked hard, and in return, I was able to get mostly everything I wanted. 

It's different now.  Not that my husband doesn't love me and spoil me, because he does, but it's not the same.  A father's love is different than any man could give a woman.  It is unconditional and continuous.  I wonder if fathers love and support their baby girls in that way consciously or subconsciously.  I mean, do they want their daughters to always think of them as their number one man or do they just want to treat  us that good because they love their daughters? 

I love my dad and I love my husband, and I'm proud to have great, strong, successful men in my life.  I hope someday my husband can show our daughter how much a father loves his baby girl.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Baby Fever

It seems like every female I know has it.  This inherent desire to have babies, to reproduce, to procreate, to continue your name and legacy.  I understand that the only purpose to life is to create life.  I understand that as females we have a nurturing personality.  We want to care for our children, our husbands, our family and friends.  So, what's wrong with me? 

I feel, during specific times of the month, that strong feeling that I want a child, but it vanishes the other 26 days of the month.  The feeling is usually only a desire for a baby.  It is the same feeling when a child wants a puppy.  They don't want a big dog with bad habits, they want the cute, cuddly puppy.  The older women in my life tell me, "Don't rush.  You will be ready when you are ready."  I figured I can't be ready to have children if I'm simply unsure.  So what makes people ready to have children, to care for someone else, to be the biggest influence on who your child becomes? 

My sister-in-law was at our house the other night and she 6 months pregnant.  She has the cutest little baby bump and her baby was moving and kicking.  Spending time with her, going to her ultrasound appointments, and seeing and feeling the baby move really has been the coolest thing.  It has given me a little taste of that desire to have a child of my own.  I'm excited to be an auntie and to care and love another being unconditionally, and hopefully, be an influence on who her child becomes.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Coming home

For the last year and a half my husband and I have been homeless.  Not living on the street homeless, but living out of our suitcases kind of homeless.  Since being laid off in July 2009, we moved from Las Vegas to Miami to Kansas to Mexico and back to Kansas.  With traveling for extended periods of time to Sweden, California, Colorado, Missouri, and back to Mexico.  It was exhausting and exciting discovering new cities and meeting new people.  But as of October 2010, we rented a Townhome, and have settled down in one spot.  It's been a great 2010, but I think 2011 will be even better.

Since settling down in Lawrence, Kansas I've been able to reconnect with my college girlfriends.  It's been great getting to know these amazing women all over again.  Most are getting married, or are married, thinking about having children, and buying homes.  When I think about how crazy we were in college, it's amazing that we got to this point.  We are all grown up and we actually turned out to be beautiful women, despite the binge drinking, bad relationships, frat parties, dirty roommates, awful professors, and broken hearts.

So the best part of coming home again?  The amazing women in my life.

Love you girls!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Jersey Shore

Okay, okay. So I know it's trashy television, but I just can't help but watch Jersey Shore. I don't know when everyone became obsessed with everything Jersey, but this is the one Jersey show I actually DVR. I love Snooky. She's a crazy, drunk, hooker, but she's also a sweet bitch. I don't relate at all to any of the characters on the show, but I like the show because it is so different from me and my culture.

I also like watching it because Jersey Shore is like watching a train wreck. You can't help but watch it and find out what crazy, ridiculous thing is going to come out of their mouths next.

Tonight is the Season 3 premier of Jersey Shore. Who's ready to fist pump?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Black Swan...FAIL!

Okay, so I am not any kind of movie critic.  Sometimes I feel my tastes are a little immature.  I mean, one of my favorite movies of all time is Dumb and Dumber.  But, Black Swan was...not's not was not the movie I thought it would be.  I think maybe I didn't like it because, again, I'm not mature enough.  There was a lot of, cough, petting in the movie.  I'm about as comfortable watching anything sexual in public as I was when I was 13 years old, sitting on the couch in between my Dad and his wife, watching anything remotely romantic.  My idea of eroticism does not involve sitting in a crowded movie theater with a group of high school girls sitting behind me... and how did they even get in?  Isn't this movie rated R? 

 It was great to see all the girls again.  I hadn't been out with this group of ladies since my birthday, last month.  But in my opinion, if you don't want to feel squeamish, awkward, and just downright uncomfortable stay home, pop some popcorn and curl up with an old favorite.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Black Swan Girls Night

Tonight I'm going out with some girlfriends, and we are going to see Black Swan with Natalie Portman.  I'm so excited for girls night for a lot of reasons.  One, it's always nice to get out of the house and do something fun with just girls.  Not that I don't love being with my husband, because I do.  He is my best friend and my biggest fan.  It's just nice to be around other independent, successful women.  It gives me strength, and they encourage me to be a better person.  The second reason that I'm super excited for tonight is I love the ballet, Swan LakeBlack Swan is a psychological thriller based on the ballet Swan Lake, in which the main character, Natalie Portman, becomes obsessed with playing both the white swan and the black swan.  The white swan representing the goodness inside of people, and the black swan representing the dark side of people.

When I was a little girl, my ballet studio performed Swan Lake.  I never really understood all the characters, partly because I was 5, and partly because as a performer, it's difficult to see the whole picture.  I was lucky to have a Dad who traveled and was a pretty cultured man- especially for Western Kansas and a town of 1200 people.  My Dad took me to see professional dancers perform Swan Lake when I was a little older and I could understand the whole story.  I still remember how I felt watching the performance.

Another great thing about going out tonight with the girls is we are going to an independent theater on Mass. Street in downtown Lawrence.  This theater only shows independent films.  I feel like I'm supporting independent artists and the local businesses of Lawrence.  Plus, this theater lets you bring in whatever you want to eat or drink.  Oh, and they serve booze!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Favorite Book

This is my all-time favorite book.  I've read it multiple times and love it more after each read.

Bikram Yoga... fail!

Is it too early to say I've already failed one of my New Year's resolutions?  I mean, it's only the 3rd of January.  Last night I went to bed thinking I would get up early and face the cold winter to learn Bikram Yoga.  Bikram Yoga is a series of poses performed to help your body achieve a perfect balance (something I've needed since being unable to find employment for over a year).  Did I mention Bikram Yoga is performed in 105 degrees?  This morning instead of waking up exhilarated to try something new, I shut off my alarm clock, rolled over, and slept till 10:00.  So much for self-discipline.  I don't understand myself sometimes.  I was a personal trainer in Vegas, I've run countless 13+ milers, and I've lived in an underdeveloped country, getting food poisoning every week, learning a new language for 6 months.  Why do I not have the self-discipline to wake up at a reasonable time?

I started this blog for a number of reasons.  One of which, was to bring some structure into my daily routine of laying around the house, eating anything I can find, and watching trashy television.  Oh, I know how easy it looks to just lace up those shoes and go outside for a walk or pick up a book that might give me new insight or inspire a new way of thinking.  Yes, those things sound very plausible, but it's almost as if I have too much free time. I still find time to browse for jobs and get on facebook to look at the pictures of an old friends whom I haven't talk to in years. I just feel like I could fill up my day in a more productive way.  You know how you seem to get more work finished, more errands done, more hobbies accomplished if you are really busy.  I'm the opposite of really busy.  This Bikram Yoga class was supposed to be the start of structure for me.  The start of motivating myself for myself.  The start of finding employment, or at least figuring out what I should do for employment. 

I'm a 2006 graduate from Kansas State University, and after being laid off in July 2009, I'm unable to find a job that will even grant me a face-to-face interview.  Any employers out there... I'll do almost anything.  :)  I have excellent computer skills, great communications skills, and , forgetting what you read above, I'm extremely motivated.  Call me!

The self-loathing and the reality of my failures are starting to kick in.  But, I've resolved to be better this New Year.  Instead of numbing those feelings with Xanax and vodka, I think I'll try a walk, and maybe after that I'll read a book.  There is another Bikram Yoga class tonight at 5:30.  After all, it is one of my New Year's resolutions.  And what kind of weakling would I be if I failed on the 3rd day of the year?